You've Got The Wrong Guy
This soliloquy was originally posted on the Group X forum around 2004-5 by user LatexDisaster. My sister performed it as an audition for Drama Club in high school. It is reproduced here (with the original punctuation and spelling) to ensure it is never forgotten.
I'm not him.
I'm not the guy that you thought I was, or even the guy you hoped that I would one day become. I'm not the man of your dreams...nor am I the stuff that dreams are made of.
I won't be there when you need me, and I won't even try.
If you ever remember a time that I did something humorous or romantic, you must be thinking of someone else.
I wasn't there with you that time you got mugged...I wasn't even in town that day.
I didn't see that show on t.v. last night, and I don't want you to tell me what happened...I'm not the one who likes dramatic cop shows.
I'm not Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right, or any other complimentary adjective with "Mr." tacked in front of it.
I'm not the one that got away, or the one and only. I'm not one person to the world, or the world to one person.
I'm not your secret admirer, and I'm not your secret santa.
I couldn't be the person you were thinking about right then, I wouldn't even want to.
I never said that you could trust me, nor did I even imply that...I'm not the type of person who would "imply" things anyway.
I'm not the person that snuck up behind you and said "Guess who!"...I'm way taller than that guy.
I'm not the one who was supposed to bring cups and plates to the party, and I'm not the one who forgot to mail the cable bill.
I'm not the one who got drunk and threw up in your fish-tank, and that wasn't me who tried to clean it out with the vacuum cleaner.
More importantly, I didn't order a pizza...this is 731 Shady Oaks...you're looking for 731 Shady Grove...that's two streets over...it's ok, people are always getting the two confused.